Friday, June 19, 2009

I am entitled

I have just started a public speaking class. One of our first things to do is having to come up with a 3-5 minute speech that we will be reciting in front of the class. It is called "who I am", and must be about ourselves. This is so extremely hard to do!! Or is it? mine is called ...

I am entitled, and this is my first draft...

I am entitled.

I deserve the best.
I should get the best of everything.
I should be first in line,
I am entitled to the last scoop of ice-cream,
the freshest sliced meat in the deli case.
Im entitled to have the last say, the first say and the only say.

Why do I feel this way? Who gave me permission?
How did I ever get to this state of misconception?

What makes me so special, more special than any of you here listening to me?

Absolutely nothing.

Why is it so hard to get my head around that fact that I am not entitled?

I don’t want you to get the wrong impression, but this is true to how I act sometimes.

I am embarrassed to admit it.
I wonder if I am alone in thinking this way.

I am pretty average, I am a 40 year old woman, overweight, and have elevated cholesterol, a teenager, a dog, and a boyfriend.

I am an average American that has to pay taxes and work, comes from a broken home, was raised by a single mother and went through times of having to eat only beans and rice because that is all we could afford.

Nothing is special about me, I am not born of royalty, I haven’t saved any lives, or impacted the world in anyway.

Why is it; that I feel things are owed to me, or that I am any better than anyone else.

If you were to ask me, on a conscious level I could say that I really don’t feel that I am entitled or better than anyone. It is my actions that surprise me though.

Where does this monster from within come from?

So, like many of you may be… I am also seeking a path to enlightenment. However my path begins dark, scary and treacherous.

I do not know who I am. Who is this angry person that surprises me from week to week? How did I get to be so damaged? When did it happen? How long has it been happening?

When I look at myself or my actions I see this ugly, rude, morphed person looking back at me and wonder how this came to be?

This is where I think I need to start. Do I blame my childhood? My ex-husband, my neighbor?

That will only find me misery, trying to blame him, her or circumstances. I don’t have time for that. Life is zooming along like a freight train on a mission and the only problem is, no one knows what exactly that mission is or when it will reach its destination.

Every day I try and be the “self” in which I want to be but I seem to be better at judging those around me for not doing the things that I myself want to do.
Like being selfless, listening better, not taking things personally.
In doing all that criticism of others, I sound like I am an expert; quite frankly I am an expert… I know what to or not to do but it is LIVING it that I struggle with on a daily basis and I think that I am finally starting to get it, it is in the process of looking inward more than outward and accepting your own faults and hiccups of life before you can even begin to do the same for those around you.

I know, we have all heard that before, but for some reason… today… it seems so much more pertinent in my life. Maybe because instead of just saying and believing it I am actually trying it.

Like I said earlier, it is an every day challenge… I learn things about myself that are completely ugly and embarrassing… as I took time calling out others by their mistakes I forgot to look at mine and so here in my face is this ugly, rude morphed person looking back at me… but see.. this is the key.. I need to learn to love that ugly rude morphed person, she is only human… and when I can do that then I can change.

We are not perfect, none of us are. We claim to know that- we even say it in the same breath that we are judging others in… “ I know I’m not perfect but did you see how Roger does xy and z.?”

In all my life, I knew this. I know it so well that I am an expert…. Expert at judging others. So today I am judging myself, I don’t like it much. I can say that I even hate it, but I also know that I hate it less than I hate being a hypocrite.

1 comment:

  1. so brave of you to share this. well done. and good luck on your speech, remember : water.