crazy mad=?

You would think that at my ripe age of 40+, that I could learn how to breathe, be calm, and think before I act. I have worked at it for years and am still working at it, but when it matters most... I throw that technique out the window.

I have had some days to mull over the whole "flower essence" ordeal. And, yes... I had a right to be upset.. but they also have a right to be ignorant. I mean, I haven't always known what I know now about herbs and essences, about holistic healing, about raising a baby, or a pre teen and I definitely don't know how to raise the teen that I have now. I can assume that I do "know" when it comes to certain aspects but the truth is I am not all knowing.

My 15 year old told me something the other day and has told me a few other times over the last couple of years.... now, I will take some credit for her wise mind.. as it is I who did raise her. She told me that I wouldn't feel so persecuted if I didn't persecute others. She tells me that sometimes I am way too judgmental and that is why I am always feeling judged. Truth. and it hurts. and it's hard to admit. As much as I would like to give a lengthy explanation or defense.. the truth is none of us are as innocent as we think we are.

I am glad that my daughter told me this gently. Without being mean, it was easier to take, and harder to deny this truth. She told me that I am not always that way, but that it comes out periodically and I can see that, depending on how I feel about myself or what type of day that I had. None the less, it is true about me and I hate it.

After this flower essence ordeal and after my last blog on the emotions that I shared about the flower essence ordeal, I received a letter from Katie, (Lotus Wei) and she opened my eyes (again) she told me what I already knew, but she told it to me when I needed to hear it again and she told me in a way that was gentle and empowering and this inspired me to look again at my actions that day, more than my actions though, to look at my emotion, my feelings and if I had just taken a breath that day before I took everything so personally, before I let myself feel attacked or persecuted, then I would have handled it in a way that I would be proud of and in a way that my daughter would have been proud of and possibly not have been so emotional about it.

I am always learning, one is never to old to learn. Sometimes we have to look at ourselves deeper than ever before and ask ourselves questions that we have never asked ourselves before and in doing this.. we will grow and learn and be enlightened to ourselves in ways that we have never before.

Katie suggested that I take this experience and make it a good one, up 'til now... I shared this story just to share this story. Just to get others on my side. Just to validate myself, my feelings and my actions. That isn't good enough, I know better than that, I preach that but do I live it? Obviously not. Not that day anyway.

So what do I do then? I start again, taking what I learned with me into today and into other experiences. Sharing the learning experience with others so that it IS a positive that came out of an unfortunate situation. Actually, if I look at it again... the situation wasn't really unfortunate. It opened some eyes to flower essences and a holistic approach and it also opened my eyes to me.